Hey, that's a good name for a song.. at least I think it is. Anyway, this post is rather dreary, so it won't hurt my feeling if you only scan it. I get that people tend to like their writings on the cheerier side of things here... and this won't be cheery. I'll try to make it short though. The thing is... I'm stuck... it's like being stuck in a dark tunnel... people say there is light on the other side but I don't think I can go much farther. I'm not planning to hurt myself or anything like that but at a certain point everybody wonders if anybody want them in their life. Generally this stuff passes with time and I've put it from my mind... but it's been hanging around me for a long time and though I've tried very hard (Some Jedi might even say I've done or done not) I don't seem to have a place here. To make it worse... I don't think anyone can help.
It'd be easy to say that no one understands but I'm sure that's not true. I mean, everybody has their own bad patches, right? But again... my bad patch doesn't seem to have any sort of ending. I don't seem to be able to find work... despite great efforts I can't even get a shred of an interview. It's almost as if a judgment was made on my name without any knowledge. It's not like I apply to jobs way above my own qualifications... I have a B.A. in Film and TV and you'd think I'd be able to get at least an interview for a job as a P.A. at the company I interned at! Or a file clerk at some smaller studio... but my best interview of late was for Best Buy for the Geek Squad and after a little going around I couldn't even get in there... and the head of the department liked me! (Well, that or he lied... but unless this guy was also an actor... a really good one... he seemed to like me). So yeah... this whole thing is about money... but it's more than that really.
Since my interview I don't put in as many applications... I plan to start up regularly applying again soon... but I'm not sure I have much faith in the job hunt anymore. I've started designing pictures and putting them on things for sites like Zazzle and CafePress and I'm more active with my web site but I get the distinct impression that no one cares. I know that everyone has their own lives to deal with but you'd think someone might actually take an interest in some piece I've done... not everyone has time for practical art but I do more than that... from practical art to written stuff like poetry and scripts to music and videos. I do A LOT! But no one recognizes me... and honestly, I don't care about the fame or power... but I can't go any further. Well, I can and will at least go as far as I can... but it feels like I'm overextended...
It matters very little. I'm after life, Love, passion and happiness and my time is almost up. What does that mean? Well, back in school, I figured it'd be a few months but I would find a job easy and so I got into a little debt thinking I'd just spend a few years paying it off... then the whole people not wanting me comes into play... and here I sit... almost two years later... nothing has changed except the fact that I don't have money... I guess I didn't have money then but I was at least able to get by... now, that is gone and I am only just barely getting by... and eventually I'll be saying goodbye to what little I have. And this whole thing sounds petty and just all around sad... but it scares me... 'cause what little I have is all that I have and if I lose it... I think that's the end.
I sincerely hope that I'm wrong and that something works out for me. I'd like nothing more than to write another blog about how wrong I was.
To happier times, my friends!
~ Justin
No comments:
Post a Comment