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INTRODUCTION
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I feel unmotivated on this... maybe I shouldn't even write it. I feel like I've written all of this stuff a million times and I'm going to bore everybody with it... thus it's rather useless. I also don't like wallowing in self pity and sharing that with others. People deserve more than that. Maybe that means that there is no place for me. I'm starting to believe that as it doesn't much seem to matter that I'm here.
I don't mean that towards anybody, nor do I think anyone should feel bad about it. I've pretty much been feeling that for the last few years so I'm kinda numb to the whole thing right now.
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IDENTITY
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I have thought about it a lot over the past year and I've come to the conclusion that I don't know who I want to be anymore.
It scares me... I have no idea what I am going to do! I feel wrong because I'm a 35 year old and I am nothing.
Growing up, I always thought... since I can remember... that she, the girl of my dreams, is out there. I know that's a lot of pressure and all but it made so much sense. After many years of false hopes I actually found her... which surprised even me... I know there's more than one person that people are compatible with but there's always the idea of "The One"; which has made me see it as more of a sliding scale.
In other words, each person has several possible "The One"s.
However when this "The One" turned out to be something even more "The Oneish" than I could of imagined... there was nothing I could do to be her "The One".
I feel like "maybe if she believed in me", but I wasn't in her picture. So she found her "The One" and is busy with her life... and it hurt like nothing has ever hurt me before. Even now I feel like she is "The One" but even if that were true... I am stuck... there is nothing I can do about the situation... or I guess nothing I would do because... she doesn't need or want me. Not that she ever did.
It just would have been nice if someone needed or wanted me.
I have entertained thoughts of others being "The One" but I never could see it very clearly. Any others who fall into the category of girl of my dreams all seem to deserve more than me anyway. The only way it could possibly work is if a girl... a woman, I guess... girl may sound diminutive and far younger or less mature than I intend... but I think the only way is if she were interested in me first and I reciprocated the feeling... which in my personal 35 year experience has rarely, if ever, been the case.
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WORKING _________________________________________________________________________________
That's what brings me to this next bit... technically, I wanted to tackle that last subject here and this first but this is how it came out, so I guess we're just gonna roll with it!
I don't have a stellar work history. I am currently working with a company called Appen... I'm quite happy with it but it is not the sort of job that I foresee having becoming a career. In fact, I am certain that it was never intended for that purpose.
When I found it, I was applying to a range of jobs... usually in retail, but also to a variety of jobs... entry level for the most part... but I tended to only get interviews for the retail ones... and judging from the fact that I am not working at Best Buy right now, one could accurately guess that I am not great at the interview process.
In school, I managed to get a Bachelor's Degree in Radio-TV-Film and I really wanted to be involved in that. I obviously never got involved as that as a career despite apply to a lot of those jobs as well. Throughout m,y education, I learned that movie production was not my strong suit leading me to focus on development and writing.
While I enjoyed writing, none of my courses actually taught me what to do with a finished script though. I knew the basics and what needed to happen but it was never clear how I'd actually present it to someone who could do something with it.
I did consider doing it myself and posting to YouTube but my friends weren't really into that and while doing it myself might be funny... I didn't think it would work.
During all of this schooling and applying, I was also doing things like creating a website from scratch (Which took a lot out of me because it was one of those "Destination Sites"), building a webstore, producing poetry books and doing videos (writing, editing, directing... I guess).
None of my web stuff took off and eventually I've just spent less and less time on it. I even downgraded my website because it was more of an investment than was paying off. I'm still doing something with it but I'm not sure it can ever be worth much.
With my YouTube videos, I haven't posted anything since last year... and I'm not sure it matters. I want to do something and I have a plan... though I'm pretty sure it won't be commercially successful... I'd be lying if I said I don't care if anyone watches it but the plan is basically storytelling games as one and I don't see that drawing any sort of crowd on YouTube... so I'm not sure it's really worthy of their bandwidth!
Anyhow, this has all killed my passion for anything. When I think about devoting my time to anything... film-making, coding, building anything... I just don't have any desire for it.
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UNWORTHY
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I know that this is not a feeling unique to me and I truly feel bad for anyone of any age who is going through this but I do not feel special!
I thought I was supposed to be special... what I mean by that is that there are people out there who ordinary life happens to by doing the same things I have done. I'm not really jealous of them... well, maybe just a bit... but I get it... not everyone is the same.
But time goes by... and people get married or graduate or have kids... or get a new job... and yes, I'm sure it's exciting for them; however, for me things stay pretty much the same.
I mean, I've had graduations and birthday parties now and again and I was even in a few musicals and plays some years ago but I don't feel like I accomplish anything anymore as no one is that interested in celebrating my accomplishments.
I get that people are busy but it feels a lot like people have given up on me... did people just give up on me? Does my desire for Love mean nothing?
I put my heart and sole into my work and my friends and family are rather dismissive about it. On one hand, I do understand because so much is going on but me self publishing a new book should be meaningful on to someone who isn't me on some level, right? Maybe it's not saving the Earth from an errant meteor but it'd be nice to go out to dinner or something. Or maybe even just have people say congratulations!
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HAPPY HEADINGS
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So among the utter loneliness and dejection I feel, I have managed to build a few bright spots. Some of the darkness comes from a lack of enjoyment with the Summer season... I know people like the sunshine and warmth and I'll agree that it is nice for a time, but in California... I think it stays for two long... admittedly that's because I'm not a big beach person nor am I a group person.
I do look forward to Fall, even though it doesn't officially arrive for a couple months. Even longer in California... at least it seems like it. Regardless, I seem to be more productive when Summer goes and with that comes the optimism that I might actually reach some new goals.
I've got some planned out, too! I have some video courses I am looking forward to; especially the one on car maintenance as then I'll be able to check out my own vehicle and not just take it to the shop for everything... or at the very least, I'll know what needs to happen with my automobile.
I've also picked up courses on Math fundamentals (Because I need a refresher), computer coding in C#, Building Confidence and Developing a sense of Rhythm. I am excited about all of those!
Also, I've been learning to play the Ukulele over the Summer (It was really on a whim but I am enjoying it) I'm not sure it will ever become anything but I'd like to start my own video channels for it. I've been practicing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" and I think I'm going to release it to friends and family... I think it would be fun and let them know what's up. I also plan to start post Ukulele stuff to Instagram as well!
I don't know... it'd be nice if I could take interesting photos of myself and post them on Instagram I am just not sure that would work for me.
I also have that YouTube thing I wanna do... I wanna start building up a back catalog of episodes for next year... I'd like to post a few this year too but I guess I shouldn't jump the gun.
Lastly, I'd really like to focus on publishing my new poetry book. I finished it way back in March and was hoping to get it published by an actual publisher but since it's been over 90 days I'm pretty sure they've either passed on it or just never got it. I never got a confirmation either way... but it's a much bigger one than my other little books... so I think it deserves to be treated with care. I'm even gonna try and get physical copies into stores!
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CONCLUSION
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So that's my story... well... for now, I guess. I don't know if I'll write these a lot. I'll probably just stick to the poems but thank you all the same for reading this. It means a lot to me and just so you know, I'm not expecting you to try to fix or comment on any of this... you can if you want but honestly, I would be surprised to even have someone read this!
I do hope that you found something in there to take with you in life or at least to make you smile! Whatever happens next, I hope to see you in the future!
Take Care!
Regards,
Justin
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